Perfectionism and the pressure to overachieve

                                                                       “…I want to be great or nothing…”

                                                                                                         ~Amy. Little Women.

I remembered this quote today. Amy in little women saying that she wanted to be great or nothing. I don’t think you need to watch the movie for context. I think it’s something that you and I feel once in a while. The pressure to overachieve. I’ve always been scared to try new things…sports, games even food! I haven’t even learnt how to drive yet because I don’t like doing things I don’t know how to do. It’s funny when you think about it too…how do you become good at something if at one point you weren’t a beginner at it? But in my defense, I like the certainty that exists within the things I am good at. I like knowing the outcome of something before it’s done. It’s not even about embarrassment, it’s not fear like most people suggest, it’s more of hating mediocrity. This is not to say that I am good at everything (you should see me play sports!) I’ll be the first to admit that I am mediocre at a lot of things. No…it’s the feeling that I have to be the best at whatever I am doing for it to be worth something. And I’ve been trying to figure out where, or rather when, I started thinking like this. So in this article, we’ll discuss some of the reasons why perfectionism exists and how you can stop feeling such an intense pressure to overachieve.

For most people, fearing failure plays a huge role in their perfectionism. Perfectionism is often interchanged with words like hard work and success. And for good reason because wanting to be the best at what you do can often yield great results. But there is a fine line between passion and obsession (also commonly synonymized). It is not possible to be great at everything you do You can’t be Vincent Van Gogh and Virginia Wolf at the same time. One has to give. I think society places a lot of pressure on people to be something. They put a clock on you. Study until twenty-three, graduate, get a good job that pays well, become successful, get married before thirty, get kids, work, retire…And eventually, you start to seek validation from people. All these milestones are celebrated in every culture and so we start to chase these things even when they do not matter to you. I need you to understand that you are not in a play. There is no script. There is no audience to perform for. There is no standing ovation. There is, however, you, and the things that excite you, those that ignite you, those you deeply care about. And maybe these things might differ from what everyone considers normal but if it makes sense to you, it doesn’t have to make sense to anyone else. So give yourself a break. Think of failure instead, as a way to learn, to change direction. That way, you embrace it. You channel it to things that actually matter to you.

Control. I hate feeling powerless. I’m sure you hate it too. Control comes from hating vulnerability. It’s not about being a control freak; it’s about being prepared. If you know what’s coming, whether good or bad, you know how to deal with it. But you cannot plan out your life. You can’t not try things because you don’t know the outcome. Not even insurance companies can do a risk assessment down to the last detail; even with all their fancy math. But I do understand the need for control, life can blind-side you and every so often, it does. But you cannot know everything. Embrace that there are things you do not know. Embrace that you are a novice at life and at art, music, sports, projects or whatever it is that you are trying to learn. Know that there are things that will come so naturally to you that they are almost effortless. Know that there are things you won’t be so good at and let go of them when you are ready. And know that it’s okay.

Self-criticism is very important. It means you have a conscience. It means you hold yourself to a certain standard. It means you have expectations for yourself and your own criticism keeps you disciplined. But unchecked, I think self-criticism can be maddening. Your inner critic can sometimes be loud and even more cruel than other people’s criticism. Yours might not be societal pressure, it might be pressure from within. For people dealing with anxiety and overthinking, it is much worse. You want to try something but your brain can’t stop telling you all the ways you’re underqualified. And if you listen to it, you are never actually going to do anything. Coming out of life unscathed because you were too afraid to try for anything is not an achievement. Try to find a way to challenge your negative thoughts. Be kinder to yourself. Stop viewing success as an outcome. Instead, celebrate small steps. Celebrate that you signed up for an art class even if, at the end of it, you could only draw stick figures. Celebrate that you took on that project even when you couldn’t beat the deadline. Celebrate that you were brave enough to apply for that job even when they picked someone else. Nothing is linear. Create room for error. Appreciate yourself a little more.

Basing your success on outcomes is a culture that causes people to feel underachieved. It is very hard to unlearn this frame of mind. We are inclined to celebrate results; especially if your education was grade-based like mine was. You quickly learn that the work you do in between doesn’t matter if the results don’t show it. The end justifies the means, so to speak. I’m trying to unlearn this mindset. It’s not as black and white as you’ve been led to believe. It is not success or failure. It’s not good or bad anymore. When you are trying new things, live in the gray areas. Appreciate every step you take towards what you want to achieve. Change the mindset that your success is based on outcome. Relieve the pressure to show results and appreciate everything you learn along the way.

Finally, and the last one with a bullet, is tying your self-worth to your achievements. You poison your soul when you decide that your reason for being alive is to achieve as much as you can before you die. I get it though. Success is important. Being able to support yourself and your family and living comfortably are all things we need in life. And a lot of people gain satisfaction from the work they do. In no way am I saying that you be lazy. Quite the opposite actually. But rest is just as important as working. Stop running. Just stop. Breathe. Slow down. You are more than the things you are good at. You are not the sum total of all your achievements. If there are people in your life who make you feel like you are, you should get them out of your life. You are the cup of coffee you love so much; you are the kindness you show every day, you are the scented candle you light every night after work, you are your favorite pair of socks. You are not how much money you make or how many awards you’ve won.

Please share your views on where you think perfectionism stems from and share some of the ways you’ve overcome the pressure to overachieve.