‘…I am out with lanterns looking for myself…’
-Emily Dickinson.
I struggled with identity, especially in my early teens. You know that question, ‘who are you?’ I’ve never been able to describe myself and I think it’s because my identity keeps changing. When we are young, who we are is a collection of who and what we have around us. In our early years, we are everybody and nobody all at once. But it didn’t bother me that my opinions and values and interests kept changing. It was a way to fit in. And fitting in is so important when you’re young. When I was around 10 years old, I liked sports because all the popular kids liked sports. But my Math teacher told me I run like a duck (which was true!) so I stopped any sports-related activities. I liked whatever movie my friends liked and I listened to the music people talked about. I think I started forming my own opinions and tastes when I was about fifteen. When you are growing up, you don’t know enough. Your identity is shaped by the experiences and the validation from the people around you.
But identity means a lot of things to a lot of different people. The question “Who am I, really?” is so often asked that it has plagued philosophers for centuries. It was such a common theme in all the coming-of-age movies I watched growing up. But identity isn’t just a teenage angst trope; it’s a complex and ever-evolving puzzle that we grapple with throughout our lives.
So, what exactly is identity? It’s a mosaic of experiences, beliefs, values, and relationships that make you, you. It’s the firefighter who finds purpose in saving lives, the artist who pours emotions onto canvas, the dog walker who thrives on furry companionship. Identity is multifaceted, encompassing everything from our nationality and hobbies to our political leanings and deepest fears. But associating your identity with a title is a big reason why you’ll never feel like you know who you are. Most of the time, you want your whole sense of being to be summarized in one word…fire-fighter, doctor, teacher, dancer. But what if who you are cannot be put in words? What if two parts of your identity contradict each other? What if you love being a stay-at-home parent but you are also passionate about that corporate job? How would you describe yourself then?
But here’s the kicker: identity is as unique as a fingerprint. For a ballerina, grace and discipline might be cornerstones of her identity, while a mechanic might find pride in problem-solving and fixing things. In our formative years, we try to copy and paste other people’s identities; which makes sense because sometimes you have to try on different things to see which one fits. Like avatars in a video game. But what happens when you don’t like any of them? This brings us to the first hurdle in the identity game: Why is it so hard to describe ourselves?
One reason is that we wear many hats. We are different things to different people. We’re a child to our parents, a sibling to our brothers and sisters, a friend to our closest confidantes, and a colleague to our coworkers. Each role brings out different aspects of who we are. You also adjust your identity to fit where you are. Different people will describe you differently…some people will describe you as rude and unfriendly, someone else will describe you as kind and another one will tell people you are always so serious.
Secondly, identity isn’t static. It is constantly shaped by our experiences. A life-changing event like a move across continents, a serious illness, or the loss of a loved one can completely redefine who we think we are. Our relationships with people can also shape our identities. You could meet someone who completely changes how you view life. You could join a friend group that is politically conscious, one that makes you change your views about politics. We learn, we grow, and our perspectives shift. And it’s something that happens to all of us.
Finally, there’s the ever-present influence of society. I talked about this in my last article. We’re bombarded with messages about what it means to be successful, attractive, or worthy. Society can build a mold of who you’re supposed to be. This external noise can make it hard to hear our own inner voice and discern our authentic self. It makes it even harder to explore parts of our identity that people aren’t so comfortable with.
So, if our identity is this ever-shifting kaleidoscope, how do we ever get a clear picture? Here are a few tips to navigate the journey of self-discovery:
- Embrace the Exploration: Treat your identity as an ongoing adventure. Try new things, meet new people, and expose yourself to different cultures and ideas. Travel, join clubs. Stop trying to fit your identity into one box, one title. Explore it instead. Figure out what it is and what it isn’t. This exploration broadens your horizons and helps you discover hidden passions and talents.
- Find Your Values: Ask yourself what truly matters to you. Is it creativity? Compassion? Adventure? Is it kindness? Your family? Your career? Have some non-negotiable aspects of your identity. Make it so that no matter how many times your identity changes, those that matter to you remain constant. These core values act as a compass, guiding your decisions and shaping your sense of purpose.
- Reflect, Reflect, Reflect: Journaling can be a powerful tool for self-discovery. Write down your thoughts, feelings, and experiences. Reviewing these entries over time can reveal patterns and highlight what truly makes you tick. This way, you can figure out what you keep experiencing, what you keep choosing, and what you keep changing about yourself.
- Seek Diverse Perspectives: Confining yourself to a specific place or to specific people limits your identity. That’s why traveling is so important in your twenties. Talk to people from different walks of life. How do they define themselves? What matters to them? What gives their life meaning? Understanding how others navigate their identities can offer valuable insights into your own journey.
But what happens when the person staring back from the mirror doesn’t quite fit the mold others have in mind? What if the world doesn’t like your identity?
First things first: It’s perfectly okay for your identity to challenge societal norms. I’ve actually talked about this in another article https://www.ontwentysomething.com/perfectionism-and-the-pressure-to-overachieve/ Not everyone wants a white picket fence and a 9-to-5 job. Diversity is a strength, and the world needs the unique perspectives and contributions that come from people who march to the beat of their own drum.
Here’s the thing: you can’t control how others perceive you. But you can control how you respond. Here are some ways to navigate disapproval:
- Set Boundaries: You don’t have to justify your identity to anyone. Not everyone will like you. And people are entitled to their opinions. You don’t like everyone you meet either. But you have to set boundaries with people. Do not let others change the parts of you they don’t like. If someone’s negativity is bringing you down, distance yourself from that person or conversation.
- Find Your Tribe: Sometimes you may feel out of place, or like you don’t belong. And as simple as it may sound, find where you do belong. Surround yourself with people who celebrate your individuality and support your journey. Find the people who appreciate that who you are is who you are. These are the people who will have your back, no matter what. As much as you can, stay away from people who keep trying to change parts of you; those who try to ‘fix you’ to fit what they believe. Brené Brown is a researcher who has done significant work on shame, vulnerability and connection. Her website and TED talks are great resources when trying to find your true connection with people who get you.https://brenebrown.com/
- Focus on Self-Acceptance: Ultimately, the only approval that truly matters is your own. Embrace who you are, flaws and all. This self-love and self-acceptance is the foundation of your identity. If you like who you are, and you like who you are becoming, then it doesn’t matter what everyone else has to say about it.
Emily Dickinson, one of the greatest female poets in my opinion, wrote, ‘I am out with lanterns looking for myself.’ You can find out more of her work here; https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poets/emily-dickinson. Remember, your identity is a story that’s still being written. It’s not a fixed destination, but a dynamic journey filled with twists, turns, and unexpected detours. Embrace the exploration, celebrate your uniqueness, and don’t be afraid to rewrite the narrative as you grow and evolve.